Roughing It

I went ‘tubing’ the other day. For those who are not of the outdoor persuasion, let me tell you just what that is, in case someone tries to talk you into making the same mistake I did. Tubing is sort of like going canoeing...without the canoe! It’s what you’re doing when you’re floating leisurely down a peaceful scenic river while sitting in an inner tube. What could be more idyllic, more relaxing, more...miserable!

Let me say from the beginning that I personally have nothing against boats or swimming pools myself. Either would have been preferred to floating down a creek in nothing more than an inner tube. Like a lot of other people who make bad choices I had come under the influence of the misguided masses.

“It will be fun”, they said.

And to think that I believed them! These were the same people who had pretended all those years to be my friends. It was just another example of mass hysteria overriding individual common sense.

“I don’t think so”, I protested while groping for an excuse.

Next thing I knew, we were all beginning our perilous expedition. So much for my resolute proclamation.

At least the scenery was nice other than the fact that there were a lot of stumps and logs in the creek, some visible, the others lurking beneath the surface. All of which made it somewhat hazardous, especially considering the mode of transport. When you’re ‘tubing’ you’re basically floating along down the creek sitting in an inner tube, which has no bottom, thereby leaving your bottom exposed! That’s not a good combination in view of all those submerged logs and stumps hidden underwater. So your just floating along blissfully unaware with your bottom poking out. That’s sort of the equivalent of searching for a lost thumbtack...barefoot! Along the way I met a log or two and we became ‘intimately acquainted’ without even being properly introduced! It was nature’s equivalent of going to near-sighted proctologist.

For one brief moment I had to admit to myself that this wasn’t so bad after all, floating along while sharing the environment with its timid inhabitants. Just me, and them in their aquatic habitat. I was communing with nature, transformed into kindred spirits with gentle, passive creatures like fish and frogs…and snakes! Much to everyone’s amusement, this writhing reptile turned out to be nothing more than a branch. It wasn’t a comforting thought as I drifted warily along with my posterior protruding out the wet side of the inner tube, nothing between my backside and a chance encounter with a reptile with a nasty disposition.

Aside from absorbing massive doses of ultraviolet radiation which inflicted painful third degree burns and losing all feeling in my numbed posterior, it was an enjoyable experience. Did I mention the frantic bouts with mobs of pesky insects? Once, I just laid there helplessly drifting along, unable to move, while two mosquitoes dueled over my soon-to-be corpse. The whole ordeal made me realize that the concept of ‘roughing it in the great outdoors’ is vastly overrated. If you enjoy being wet, cold, tired, dirty, and itching in places you can’t even scratch then the outdoors is the place for you. You, and all the other gluttons for punishment. I’ve arrived at the conclusion that it’s all a contest to see who can endure the most discomfort while pretending to have a great time. If you admit that you’d rather go home than prolong your agony, you lose. I would have much preferred to view the scenic beauty from the comfort of my recliner while sitting in front of the television.

What can I say? Being miserable has never been my idea of having a good time..

The one positive thing about tubing I can say is that it gives you lots of time to think. About important things like...how much longer do we have to endure before we get through? Or, how many days will I be in intensive care before I recover from this nasty sunburn? Before it was over, I may have momentarily lost touch with reality. I think I was even hallucinating about...fish. And why not? Wasn’t I intruding in their habitat? I could just imagine them swimming around beneath us going about their usual business.

As I grappled to retain my diminishing sanity, I found myself wondering what the fish thought whenever a group of us passed by overhead.

“Do you wonder if fish ‘talk’, I blurted out to no one in particular. What would they ‘talk’ about?”

“He’s babbling again”, I overheard one of my friends explain to another.

“Delirious”, agreed another while twirling her finger about her head in little circles!

That’s when I thought I heard…fish…talking!

Two fish are swimming along in the creek, one exclaims to the other, “Ugghh!”

“What? What is it, said the other?”

“Don’t look up, there goes another ‘butt’ floating by overhead!”

“Ugghh, The other fish protested! Now that’s a disgusting sight! I hate it when those ‘tubers’ go by.”